Being held by armed men – in most cases, that would be the police or the military – is something anybody who’s never been arrested or tried for a crime can’t ever quite understand. In my case, I expect the worst, and my emotions shut down. It’s a spiritually devastating experience that nobody should ever have to endure unless he was guilty of inflicting it on somebody else.
My brain does little better, if there’s any chance, no matter how minuscule of escape, it’ll weave physical escape scenarios; a door I could reach, a window that might not be too high, a jump I might be able to make, etc. – but once those possibilities are shut down (guns, walls, handcuffs, etc.) – my brain stops dead too.
It’s a gruesome experience to be passive and helpless to your own existence, and I will always hate them for having made me feel that way, even though it was brief. Nobody should ever, ever, ever have to feel that way, not even for a fucking second.
It is far worse than getting hurt, it is worse than getting shot, and since I find death neutral, I can almost say it’s literally worse than death.
