I sneezed last week.

It was a good sneeze. It announced itself to my nose with a slight but telling twitch, and when I let it go – it shook through my whole body, and went through like a shock-wave, finding deliriously pleasant release both from my mouth and my nostrils. Truly, it shook me to my core, it scared nearby innocents.

It was a thing to behold.

And now, I want my Nobel Peace Prize.

Surely I deserve it.

When Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel committee, announced that Barack Obama, the 44th president of the United States had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009 the reporters, or so it’s been reported – gasped.

That should’ve told him something.

In explaining the committees’ choice, it was explained that Obama was awarded the prize not for what he’s done, but for what he might yet do. In essence turning the entire Nobel Prize Committee into a cheerleader squad.

In claiming that the committee recognized Obama’s efforts at dialogue to solve complex global problems, including working toward a world free of nuclear weapons, the committee demonstrates a massive amount of idiocy and a great deal of disrespect to the world at large.

Are we now rewarding ‘efforts’ at dialogue? If so, I’d like to nominate a few newborn infants I’ve come across who have put great efforts into dialogue, and I’d ask the committee to look past their current inability to say much more than ‘goo goo gaa gaa’. I know it’s not much, but really – they’re trying.

As for working towards a world free of nuclear weapons – is it really that easy to ignore the ridiculous stockpiles of American nuclear weapons that nobody ever talks about? Or do they actually mean ‘working towards a world free of other nuclear powers’? Maybe I’m just low on attention, or maybe American nuclear weapons are a GOOD thing whereas other nuclear weapons, say Iranian ones, are a bad, bad, bad thing. The American nukes give you Freedom, not death! Liberty, not radiation! Democracy, not fallout! That must be it! I shame myself and my readers by thinking otherwise.

Clearly.

“Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future,” – the Nobel Committee.

To this I can only add that the same could pretty much be said of, say – Hitler. He definitely captured the world’s attention too, and he most certainly gave people little else than hope for a better future.

The decision, apparently, was ‘unanimous and came with ease’ – so feel free to feel ridiculed and disrespected by ALL members of the committee. They are all guilty of being too stupid to support their own raison d’être.

The nominees included 172 people — among them three Chinese dissidents (invariably risking life and limb), an Afghan activist (life and limb anybody?) and a controversial Colombian lawmaker – and yet – they gave it to Obamamama.

Obama has basically screwed the Middle-East peace process by standing idle while the Israelis continue to build settlements on occupied land, he has done nothing to stop them or even threaten them with withholding American financial, military, or political support – all the time ignoring (as have all presidents and administrations before him) that it’s actually illegal for the US to support Israel according to it’s very own laws. Yup, you read that right. Look it up.

If that were not enough to destroy the possibilities of brokering a peace deal – Obamamama has also promised the Israelis an ‘undivided Israeli Jerusalem’ – almost literally slapping the Palestinians, History, and Justice in the face…

Obama has also dutifully continued not one but two wars of occupation which apparently nobody blames him for because they were started by Bush. Yet, rather than decrease troops, Obamamama has put more troops in Afghanistan.

“Yes, We Can!” takes on a whole new meaning – “Yes, we CAN continue to sucker you into bloodshed and aggression as long as we smile at  you and coat our aggression with some eloquent BULLSHIT.”

When Obama first got elected, I wrote an open letter to the man explaining what I hoped he would do – so far he’s accomplished absolutely none of what anybody might’ve hoped for…and the world loves him yet.

Eat it up, Amerika.